I couldn’t quite get the words out of my mouth.

Yes, I was in love with my friend Nate but I didn’t know if this leap into the unknown would be successful or would I look back a few months into it and realize it was all a BIG MISTAKE. See, I’m normally a pretty confident girl in most areas of my life—friendships, studies, work, church, activities, you name it, I’m always somewhere in the thick of it. But with relationships, I’d scored a big, fat zip. I’ve never been involved with anyone. Somehow, my friendships with guys had never led anywhere. And boyfriends? Nope, never been there. Therefore, this area was unknown to me. A real mystery, full of hope and pitfalls. In this area, I truly lacked confidence.

So taking that step of calling Nate was HUGE for me. And even though I couldn’t get the words out, the fact that I was willing to try for it was a miracle. After putting the phone down, I had to mentally talk myself into calling Nate again. I ran through the words in my head, rehearsing what I was going to say. I was going to tell him that even though we had agreed to be just friends, I had stronger feelings and ask him if he was willing to take it further.

Continue reading Friends Forever →

So Nate had dropped me off at my dorm and I had gotten advice from my friend, Yoneko, to pretend that everything was the same as usual.  And I did do that.  For a week, we continued to meet and I would talk to him like I normally did and not bring up the fact that he had said something that was so disconcerting and was hanging over my head. That whole week I was acting normal and cool being his friend.

But if you know me at all, you know that keeping silent for a WHOLE WEEK was a feat of unprecedented internal fortitude.  I’m the girl who constantly speaks my mind and is frequently having to open mouth and insert foot.  So, to keep silent was really a challenge.  I was about to burst.  I’m sure if I had tried really hard, I may have been able to pretend for all of one week and another day!  Luckily, something happened to allow me to call Nate over.

Continue reading Can we still be friends? →

That’s what I used to insist when Nate and I first started hanging out (back in 1997).  My friends had noticed that we were hanging out a lot and I was bringing him up in more and more of my conversations.  “Nate and I were doing this” or “Nate helped me fix my computer.” (Actually he still does).

But seriously, we were just friends.  Yes, that summer, we were seeing each other about 5 days a week but it was nothing.  Just coincidence.  He had just quit his job to take another but then the other job fell through.  My summer classes just happened to get canceled.  Both of us had loads of free time.

So, it was just natural that we would hang out.  Going to the movies, practicing for a joint fellowship night for church, going to the Waikiki Zoo to listen to free Hawaiian music, going to YWAM (Youth with a Mission) meetings, meeting at church for worship practice.  It wasn’t that much really.  It’s not like I wasn’t hanging out with my other friends—jogging, doing aerobics and water aerobics, salsa dancing and shopping.  I had lots going on that summer.  I was having fun.  And NO, I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend.

Annie with Dragon Boats at Ala Moana Beach

So I was talking about him to my friends because you know, friends share about friends.  But I guess his name was just peppering my conversation more than I thought.  My good friend, Yoneko, then commented to me one day, “Annie, I’m convinced that something is going on, that you and Nate are not just friends!” I laughingly brushed her off.

But you know, my mind got to thinking.  What if?  What if we’re more than friends?

Could we be more than friends?

Continue reading We’re just friends…right? →